Telling Myself to get "Unstuck"

I've been feeling utterly lost creatively lately. I feel as though I have no ideas and the ones that I do have are absolute rubbish, for lack of a better word. This probably lacks more in my insecurity as a writer, me blocking myself from any flow of thought, but regardless, it's been a couple weeks now and I'm getting worried.

Of course, I turned to google in this dark moment (yeah, I can still have a sense of humor about it!) and after reading about where some writers I respect get their inspiration, and what drives them to write, I came up with my own list. So, here it is.


HOW TO UNSTICK YOURSELF

1. Remember the "why". Remember this is how you can live another life, the life of someone else who is still absolutely you.

2. The blank page is to be cherished, for sure, but not too much that you should leave it blank forever. Get something down, damnit!

3. Start from the middle. Write the ending. Beginnings are often raw and spiky and you're probably not ready to touch them yet.

4. Think about your inspirations, but only conceptually. Write like yourself always.

5. Be curious about your own work, and never lose that curiosity. You don't have to know everything about a project when you start.

6. Please be all alone. It's better for this, most of the time.

7. You don't need to reach literary perfection every time you write.

8. Make little assignments and projects for yourself. Dumb ones, weird ones, it doesn't have to be serious all the time.

9. The only way you're gonna fail is if you don't write. Just kidding, that's not even failure, you always could still write. Just write, okay?

10. YOU ARE NOT A BAD WRITER. YOU ARE A VERY VERY GOOD WRITER. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT SHIT.


Voila, the list. Currently hanging above my desk. Now pray for me please n' thank ya!

summer of '14

I know it's hard to make such sweeping statements about events so soon after they have occurred. I know that often perspective is absolutely necessary. However, I also know that the rawness of experiences and the emotions that come with them is valuable, and that time can dull them, or even erase them completely. 

I guess it's for this reason that I didn't hesitate to reflect on this summer. I've had one of the most valuable experiences of my life so far where I met people I could really, truly connect with, something that is rare for me and always a source of worry. I gained trust with some people, and began to distrust others, but ultimately learned that it's important to remember that people close to you always want to help. I am not a burden, and neither are you. 

Long days I spent in the sun, with the Earth, and realized that regardless of where exactly I belong, as cliche as it sounds, I will always feel the belonging I crave in nature, even though I forget this more often than I should. The more tanned I got, I liked to imagine myself as a transparent meter that fills up with liquid light, resting, charging myself for things that are to come. Preparing for when I need to pull from that light to help myself when I can't find light on the outside. 


Perhaps most importantly I relearned what it's like to be careless, even if it was only for a second. I kicked a bees nest and dashed away screaming, I went to bonfires on the beach, I rode a bike home under the stars so late that it was the early morning, and though I still feel lonely often, and probably always will, I've realized that these types of moments are good for my soul, and make me feel more connected and alive than anything. 

Summer isn't my favorite season, in fact I hate heat and dryness, but I can safely say that it is a time of rejuvenation, and I take and recognize that as something important, always. 

la ferme

After a long and arduous Junior year, the summer is finally upon us and I can actually breathe for the first time since September. Of course, college applications are still to come, but in the mean time, I have (kind of) a two month long rest stop to re-charge and do things I actually want to do and/or care about. Among those things is this blog, but I've also secured an internship at a beautiful organic farm where I'll be working with all things plant related. I know, this is a shocker, especially to myself as I'm a complete city person, but there is something about the rhythmic work that is planting or weeding or harvesting that is incredibly calming, not to mention the physical, tangible ability to see the progress you've made. You put a seed in the ground, it grows. You shovel a pile of dirt, it's gone. It's just so wholly satisfying and zen-like. 

Okay, transitioning awkwardly into a topic unrelated to farming, I'm hoping this summer will be a summer of reflection and contemplation. Maybe introspection is the word that would cover all those bases? Regardless, though I know that I've jumped the cliff that marks the end of childhood, I'm still in the falling phase, not yet standing on the stable ground that is true adulthood, though I see it and am plummeting faster and closer each day, to use Nirrimi's beautiful metaphor. This weird chaotic place I'm in, that isn't even really a place at all, has left me reeling to be honest, and left this blog reeling a bit too. 

For now, I'll leave you, but I'm finishing up editing some short writing pieces and photographs that should be up soon. 

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I

(I'm going to start sharing my poetry/creative writing on here because I've finally worked up the courage. I hope you like it. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, please, please, don't copy or plagiarize or anything like that. It's just not cool. Please. All comments and feedback are welcome.)




(Untitled I)

While we were down here

Carving that…clay bank with

Digitized knives

While the piled land stems out

From its own heavenly.

And ubiquitous as small tap stones

In breathing statutory moonlight

I climbed the rope—the unfrayed one

To the top of six

Billowing white sails.

If I rear my mind, will you?

The land doesn’t roll out—

It starts its figuring.

And metallic, it twitches

Hot whips of light, through a barred window

Twenty sleeps and forty lids

Still the wracking morning. 

Blue is the Warmest Color

Last night, I made a massive pot of ginger tea (totally unpretentious), created the biggest and baddest of blanket forts (four blankets, four pillows, one girl), and settled in with Netflix, specifically, Blue is the Warmest Color, a French film starring Lea Seydoux and Adele Exarchopoulos. Sure, said friend had told me it would be intense, but that didn't stop me from watching it alone on a Saturday night. Lo and behold, three hours later, yes, it's three hours long, I was sitting upright in my dark room, paralyzed and lonely and afraid of losing everyone/everthing that I love. 

I know that sounds super overdramatic, but anyone who knows me at all, knows that there is only one thing that can make me cry or feel intense emotion during a movie, and that thing is watching people feel or be lonely. In the film, and I won't give anything away, but as with anything profiling the details and ultimate evolution of a relationship, loneliness exists. This is a fact that I actually kinda learned on my own this year, but that this film solidified. Sure, there's physical loneliness which can obviously be helped by being with another person, but real loneliness is something that people carry in the deepest part of themselves, that to an extent will always be there. A thing that proximity to another human can't really do anything about.  

As far as the film goes, of course it also contains the brightest parts of being a human being in a relationship, but what I'm trying to get at is that it doesn't hesitate to crush that and show how unsubstantial it can all be as well. What I took away from it was the sentiment that often we try desperately to fill ourselves with other people, when in the end that just creates larger spaces. I often struggle with trying to say exactly what I mean, but for once, I think I summed it up pretty clearly. I wasn't really planning on making this a "review", I just wanted to share what this movie made me think about, but it is worth mentioning that it's also a beautiful (albeit very graphic) film, and completely worth your time. 

Also, learning new French curse words is always fun. 

Writing about Writing (part 1, I think)

me being moody "af" feat webcam

I know it's been awhile, but as usual, I continue to struggle with how much I'm willing to share on here, and what it is that I want to write about at all. There's something so impersonal and disconnected about shooting my words out into the depths of the internet, things that feel and seem important but are quickly relegated to just a few words among the billions that exist out there. However profound they may be, there are probably others that are more profound. Like yelling the meaning of life at a distant galaxy, where in-between those two points there are an infinite amount of other, equally valid meanings.

Anyways, as I start to emerge from the cold dungeon that is Junior year of high school and can think actively about more than the ACT's and precalculus, about a thousand other projects and ideas have started to come into play, some involving this blog, some not. As usual, I'm worried that if I begin to share poems I write or excerpts from the short story I'm in the process of writing, it'll get stolen and uncredited. Also, baring your original thoughts and idea (and soul) to whatever lurks in the bowels of the internet is pretty fucking terrifying. So, yeah.

Regardless, figuring out what to talk about on here is hard. Sometimes I feel that everything I say is contrived and shallow and lacks any and all depth. My refusal to just write stems from my own monstrous case of self-doubt and I am aware of that. Doubt that readers will think all the things I worry are true about myself, that I'm shallow, and contrived, and boring, and maybe even ego-centric though I devote so much time trying not to be. But this is the plight of the writer, isn't it? If you're writing true, you'll inherently end up creating a reflection of yourself in your writing, a reflection that shows the good and the bad, which equates to, you know, being human.

This year has been the year where I've embraced my desire, no, need to write. I've learned a lot of useless shit about writing (using curses tastefully is a stylistic choice, not a sign of weak vocabulary. try not to use exclamation points too often. vary your sentence structure. blah blah) but I've also learned some things, or rather, a thing, that has changed the way I think about writing and myself as a whole. For the longest time I think I was trying to hide from myself in my own writing. I wasn't producing anything good, it all seemed fake and forced, think playing hide and seek in a mirror-walled room, and to tell you the truth it was wholly unsatisfying. Accepting the sentiment that I as an individual will be present in my work is hard. Shrouding myself in words isn't genuine and doesn't ever create genuine writing. I know now that if I want to create, really create, it has to come from a place deep within my mind, and must be able to expand freely with no reservations.

the overalls

These overalls are the best. They have a stain which you can’t see because I folded the cuff over it, but it looks like dried blood. However, it isn’t dried blood. It’s raspberry gelato. My friend and I had just gotten cones with “une boule de glace” on them and decided to have a race up the huge steps to Sacre Coeur. It was night and warm and windy and smelled like a mixture of the dust that filters through the air in Paris during the summer months and burning sugar. We flew up the stairs with the gelato dripping the whole way up. When we got to the top we just stood there laughing at the red stains on the front of my overalls. My entire cone had practically emptied onto them. We sat down on a bench overlooking the entire city as one does at Montmartre and shared her cone. Though I have mixed feelings about Paris, I sometimes long so much for the moments that I had while I was there. 

rookie time

To be honest I actually really like the amateur feeling photo booth pictures give off. I could dream about acquiring the photographic prowess of 4th and Bleeker for ages, but isn't it important to have not just the subject, but also quality of pictures represent the platform truly? If a blog is just an online projection of one's self, then yeah, it should be kind of amateur looking, I'm still an amateur at most things I do...I'm only seventeen! Regardless of the fact that I have haven't gotten my act together to invest in a tripod and a remote yet, the gritty look is still cool. Very mid-00's Myspace of me. Even though I never had a Myspace. You know, I was like, twelve, when that was a "thing"...

Because New Year's resolutions are decidedly bullshit (I'm telling you right now not to make any), and the void in your brain that is desperate for some sort of change is still hungry, I am about to present to you a certain number of solutions (I haven't thought of them yet and plan to make them up as I go along so I don't know how many there will be) to keep you from being bored. And boring.

1. Doing something stupid is, in fact, an official name for an activity. Though it varies from person to person (and their baseline stupidity level), it is important to take into consideration that this is about pushing yourself. For me, "stupid" never gets me too far because I've got too much common sense and tend to be overly cautious. Just remember drugs are bad, kids. Things that are fun and stupid and won't get you killed include buying ice cream cakes and delivering them to the homes of unsuspecting randoms or friends, running around in the dark with no flashlight, going to a diner past midnight for no reason, and going stair-sledding. The more childish the better.

2. Haircuts! Okay, this is a cliche one, I know, but looking different does make you feel different. Sometimes doing things with a different feeling makes a different. Maybe vibe is more the word I'm looking for. Yes, changing the vibe of your daily life through a small and unbinding physical change. Victory. (ps- more on this later)

3. If you can't bring yourself to do something stupid or put a little change in your life then read about people who do. I promise you a good book will solve 99% of your problems. Right now I'm reading 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami and I would also recommend Volume 1 of interviews collected from The Paris Review. It has interviews with T.S. Eliot, Didion, Hemingway, and tons of other intelligent and inspiring writers about their work. I've also heard that Alexa Chung's book, It, is stunning.

4. This isn't necessarily exciting or inspiring, but I have been realizing how important it is to document things. Whether you are the photo type or the word type or feel most comfortable with some other medium looking back on things is always strange in a way I can't describe and gives me a tingly feeling. I reread things I've written a long time ago every now and then and think that I am reading the thoughts of another person. Essentially if you keep updating, you are providing fun for your future self, which is pretty neat.

I can't think of anything else for now, but I think those four should leave you with somewhere to start. There is a possibility of weird photo booth photos gone wrong to come later in the day or maybe tomorrow. It is ten degrees Fahrenheit outside and the chill is seeping in a bit so I'm going to put on another sweater. Happy New Year.

break

group shot from Charlotte's holiday party
(taken with my new polaroid camera! I'm on the bottom second from left)

nice light

more nice light

me
(taken by Isabel)

So far, this break has been filled with lots of friends and cold weather and warm sweaters. I have to finish a poem I've been working on for a young artists and writers competition, but aside from that, having no major responsibilities feels pretty great. I hope everyone has been having a fantastic winter holiday and has spectacular New Years plans awaiting them.

love
H

cy twombly

Like most other artists I know, I discovered the work of Cy Twombly through the great congregation of virtual stuff that is tumblr. His drawings and paintings are beautifully texturized and interesting to look at on their own, but what really makes it all interesting to me is that he drew from one inspiration for essentially his entire career. Twombly was ever inspired by the Mediterranean classical culture (the Greeks and Romans etc.) as well as the great epic poems that arose from it.
Aside from the art itself though, you have to give Twombly extra cred because it's nearly impossible to associate him with any of the specific major art movements that happened during the twentieth century, which is pretty cool if you ask me.

images via tumblr

winter vibes

 Some photos I took on the day of the first snow. I must say, now that I have my driver's license, I honestly feel a bit nostalgic for quiet early morning school bus rides. Freedom is completely worth a half hour of silence though. Anyways, I thought these captured the things I like most about winter.

The quiet, the calm, the cold.

ana

People who are talented at many things are often the subject of my hatred. This may seem like a strong statement but to be honest, I'm human, and probably just like you, when faced with intimidation jealousy often rears its ugly head. However, with this "hatred" is also a type of idolization or worhip, and lately the fantastic Ana Kras has been the victim. A Serbian-born designer and photographer, she consistently produces amazing work, and seems (from what I've seen of her studio/living space) to have a beautiful aesthetic pertaining to every aspect of her life. It also doesn't hurt that she is gorgeous and has an impeccable sense of effortless style but I digress...

Pictured below are her lovely hand-strung bon bon lamps:

These have actually inspired me enough that I've now begun drafting a new project that I will tell more about when the time is right... anyways ... equally inspiring are her photographs (I hope you can tell at this point that I am utterly captivated by her entire aesthetic), her are a select few from her ikebana albums, essentially her online photo albums containing a plethora of personal and commercial images, all shot by Ana.

Again, here are a select few:

And the artist herself...

you get the point...

(all photos except the last one courtesy of Ana Kras)

flora

I'm not sure why but lately I have discovered a strange affinity towards plants that I didn't know I had. I'm not a bug person (they gross me out, I am not apologetic about it) so I've always steered away from gardening, yet now something about flora amazes me. Each shape, vein, or even spotty pattern of decay is fascinating. I blame this newfound interest on AP Environmental Science, which I am taking this year, and though I already had great respect for living things it seems I am now so intrigued as to have nearly idolized them? I pose this as question (rhetorical) just because the concept seems so strange. Anyways, I'm thankful for any newfound inspiration no matter what...school can drain the creative part of my mind faster than I would like it to.

images: tumblr

nothing gold can stay

I took this photograph two days ago. The past week and a half have been incredibly trying for me in many ways, so when I walked into my bedroom only to be greeted by the most glorious late afternoon light, it stayed with me a little longer, and the feel of this moment was buried a little more deeply in my being. I can dissect some of the most powerful things I have ever experienced into seconds, and the thirty seconds that the light was just like this has certainly created a mainstay in my top twenty. I feel lucky to have had my camera on hand so as to get some good snaps of it before it was gone. I myself have been having a hard time putting it into words however it made me think of one of my favorite poems "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay.  


The golden hour never disappoints. 

in progress

Here is a detail shot of a painting I've been working on lately. It is acrylic and heavy gel medium on canvas. I hardly ever plan out my paintings so I rarely know what they are going to look like when they are done. In this case, I can't figure out if it's a self portrait or not, though I'm not entirely sure it matters.

please give credit to me if you would like to use this image

| | |

I should probably be apologize for my prolonged absence from blogging but I've decided that I won't. Not because I want to deny you readers content, but more because as the writer, I needed to sort things out, and think about the direction I actually want this blog to take.
The identity and ideas that this blog was born from didn't seem to fit quite who I am anymore (a lot has changed in the past two years!) so I needed time to refresh myself and think about how I can transform this into something wholly meaningful for readers and for myself.
Maybe it's because today is a rainy day, my favorite, and I find them to be the best days for reflection that I can adapt my findings into coherent sentences, but I finally figured out just what it is that's been missing from here, the thing that would make it feel one hundred percent mine.
Though I started this ultimately as spillover space for my mind, it was focused on fashion, a subject I loved but that most people around me were not willing to talk about simply because they were not as interested in the field as I am. I say "am" because I'm still intrigued by fashion, and think, when done right, it is still one of the most beautiful art forms, yet if I said it was my passion, at least at this moment in time I would be half-lying. This is because the truth is that all art is my passion. All forms of self-expression, whether that be fashion, painting, poetry or film for example, are my passions. In the end, what moves me the most are people; I live to understand them and want to know how and why people do the things they do. Art is just my method of processing.
That is why I needed to change the direction of this blog, because at its core it is for me and of me, as much a reflection of myself as it is an observation and analysis of the world around me, and from this moment on I won't be leaving out any parts of myself.
So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that this is now a mixed bag. Expect everything, and anything, I can't promise what will interest me or move me on any given day, but I can promise that anything on here from here on out will be honest and true and human.

Thank you.

france two

This post is entitled France two, though if you are not a consistent reader of this blog you may be confused as upon scrolling down it appears that there is no France one. There was a France one but because I'm challenged in the area of technology upon trying to edit said post (specifically centering and lining up all the photos which I don't understand why they don't do automatically for you) I ended up somehow deleting the whole thing. I got over it but trust me, in the moment I wanted to throw the nearest unbreakable object against a wall.
Anyways, this is the second collection of photos of France from my trip (I still have two more weeks here!) with photos from a melange of places. After my stay in Paris I lived with my aunt for a few days in which we traveled to Normandy and then I took the TGV down to Provence where I'm now staying with my family. Sorry for the sporadic posting!

1. stormy skies over Provence
2. Roman arena in Nimes
3. beach in Normandy

google reader

moi wearing shoes made for serious business

So you all probably know that google reader shut down yesterday. This means it's a perfect new chance for me to insert a shameless plug about how you should follow me on bloglovin'! If you do, you're in for a treat, especially because I am leaving to study abroad in Paris in five days. Knowing myself, I'll probably be documenting every moment either photographically and in my notebook (which most of the time gets transferred to this here blog) so you should be looking forward to that.
Anyways, I'm off to start packing for now but just wanted to say hi.

the solution

This is so fitting for me you have absolutely no idea. I'm probably one of the most flagrant procrastinators you will ever meet (I know,  everyone says they are a procrastinator, I promise you I'm a real one, a real bad one). Anyways, I stumbled upon this video on Nowness and though the school year is over, I will definitely be putting this tactic to use next year. Or maybe even for that Environmental Science summer assignment....