Writing about Writing (part 1, I think)

me being moody "af" feat webcam

I know it's been awhile, but as usual, I continue to struggle with how much I'm willing to share on here, and what it is that I want to write about at all. There's something so impersonal and disconnected about shooting my words out into the depths of the internet, things that feel and seem important but are quickly relegated to just a few words among the billions that exist out there. However profound they may be, there are probably others that are more profound. Like yelling the meaning of life at a distant galaxy, where in-between those two points there are an infinite amount of other, equally valid meanings.

Anyways, as I start to emerge from the cold dungeon that is Junior year of high school and can think actively about more than the ACT's and precalculus, about a thousand other projects and ideas have started to come into play, some involving this blog, some not. As usual, I'm worried that if I begin to share poems I write or excerpts from the short story I'm in the process of writing, it'll get stolen and uncredited. Also, baring your original thoughts and idea (and soul) to whatever lurks in the bowels of the internet is pretty fucking terrifying. So, yeah.

Regardless, figuring out what to talk about on here is hard. Sometimes I feel that everything I say is contrived and shallow and lacks any and all depth. My refusal to just write stems from my own monstrous case of self-doubt and I am aware of that. Doubt that readers will think all the things I worry are true about myself, that I'm shallow, and contrived, and boring, and maybe even ego-centric though I devote so much time trying not to be. But this is the plight of the writer, isn't it? If you're writing true, you'll inherently end up creating a reflection of yourself in your writing, a reflection that shows the good and the bad, which equates to, you know, being human.

This year has been the year where I've embraced my desire, no, need to write. I've learned a lot of useless shit about writing (using curses tastefully is a stylistic choice, not a sign of weak vocabulary. try not to use exclamation points too often. vary your sentence structure. blah blah) but I've also learned some things, or rather, a thing, that has changed the way I think about writing and myself as a whole. For the longest time I think I was trying to hide from myself in my own writing. I wasn't producing anything good, it all seemed fake and forced, think playing hide and seek in a mirror-walled room, and to tell you the truth it was wholly unsatisfying. Accepting the sentiment that I as an individual will be present in my work is hard. Shrouding myself in words isn't genuine and doesn't ever create genuine writing. I know now that if I want to create, really create, it has to come from a place deep within my mind, and must be able to expand freely with no reservations.